This Christmas I feel really empty. All the days leading up to it have been so much fun. I've hung out with everyone I planned on seeing over break, though I'm definitely craving more time with these friends. But Christmas is just so blah. My Grandma can't cook the amazing meals she used to, and my mom ALWAYS works on Christmas Day. Double-time pay. At least I got to spend Christmas Eve with her. We were in the kitchen nearly all day, which is a rarity with her now. It's nice to feel like I have a mom for once. When it's just her and I, she takes time to ask about me, school, life. When my stepdad is around though, I keep my guard up. I feel like he judges every aspect of my life, and he has no right to! Yeah, so what, I like to stay out late. He should have realized by now that I can take care of myself. And if I need help, I'll call my mom. Not him.
Anyway.
Christmas.
What the eff.
My brothers aren't at the age where they can fully understand or appreciate holidays. They see presents and they just attack. And my paternal family never visits for the holidays, so my grandparents and dad just spend it at home. I wish we had some sort of holiday tradition.
I just wanna fast forward 5-10 years, when I'll hopefully have a life. I want a big group of people to crowd around a dinner table. I want camaraderie. While I've said that I don't want kids, maybe I'll have a change of heart. I feel like that's the only way to create stability and tradition. Being able to love someone enough and raise them in a stable environment is how I want to create a sense of home in my life. Right now I don't have a home. I'm unhappy wherever I go, unless I'm with my friends. I love being around my brothers, but I don't like having to act like their mother. And my grandparents are great, but they're insane. My grandma's a control freak and my grandpa has the world's shortest temper. And my dad is on another downward spiral. I'm the only person he has, but I'm a lousy person for him to have. I don't know how to help, and when I try something out, I just get pissed off and walk out.

Dancing in the dark

I let things get to me, and I know I absolutely shouldn't. But they do. Little things get to me. They infiltrate my mind and I start jumping to lengthy conclusions. I guess it's paranoia, or OCD. Whatever it is, I don't think I'll be able to change it.

Really?

When in doubt... use a drone?

The title above links to an article in the Orange County Register about our latest attempt to quell illegal immigration. It's always nice knowing how money is being wasted, isn't it?

Stolen

From Krystal's tumbling =)

10 things you want for Christmas:

1. Meaningful hugz
2. An iPod
3. clothes
4. straightener
5. USC anything
6. athletic shoes
7. grocery money
8. nail stuff!

9 musicians/bands you love (no order):


1. jimmy eat world
2. coldplay
3. sublime
4. julieta venegas
5. backstreet boys
6. janet jackson
7. muse
8. the beatles
9. david bowie

8 things you do everyday (no order):

1. facebook
2. tweet
3. listen to my old, veteran iPod
4. talk to friends
5. comb my hair
6. stare at pictures
7. sleep
8. read perezhilton......

7 things you enjoy:

1. laughing
2. being a Trojan
3. having my brothers
4. my iPod
5. hanging out with my favorite people
6. social networking
7. people-watching

6 things that will always win your heart:

1. a sense of humor
2. songs that speak to what i'm going through
3. my brothers' laughter
4. generosity
5. kindheartedness
6. hugs, even though i seem like i don't like them

5 favorites:

1. Movie: The Wedding Singer
2. Song: Chase This Light
3. Book: Postsecret
4. Band: Jimmy Eat World
5. Season: summer

4 smells you enjoy:

1. Winter-type baking scents
2. Barbecue (asada)
3. Pantene shampoo
4. Toast

3 places you want to go:

1. Washington state
2. Big Bear/Lake Arrowhead
3. Hawaii

2 holidays you love:

1. Christmas
2. Thanksgiving

1 person you’d marry on the spot:

1. Jimmy Stewart 70 years ago... haha

You make me happy.

His Generation

"Look at my generation! Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Brian Jones, Keith Moon. They're all dead. They may be your fucking icons, but they're my fucking friends. All my friends are dead!"
-Pete Townshend

Complications

It's so hard to figure things out when you have about 23 things to figure the hell out.

My mom left me a message saying they were staying home for Thanksgiving dinner. I didn't call her back.

I baked lemon squares... they tasted too rich too me, but everyone else seems to like them so far. Tomorrow will be the true test.

I burned my first batch of the almond graham crackers. I was so mad! I guess moreso because I had just listened to my mom's voicemail. The second batch came out alright... I miss my Grandma's oven.

Today I got two letters from my grandparents. One contained a forwarded bank statement, the other contained my Grandma's stuffing recipe, some Mary Engelbreit cartoons, and four one dollar bills. Hahahaha. I honestly love that she sends random sums of money to me. Last time she sent me a five and three ones. =)

"Come to the Stable" is not a good movie. Our film professor loves it so much, but I can't appreciate it. It's about these two French nuns who go to Bethlehem, Conn., and try to build a children's hospital. But their actions are so manipulative. They expect everyone to give them what they want in the name of the Lord, and that's exactly what happens. Ridiculous.

I turned in my genre paper today, but I'm not as relieved as I thought I would be.

Unfinished business.

I want to be a classic.

I'm so fascinated by the Classic Hollywood Film era. It's not even the films that fascinate me, it's the production process that I love learning about.

My intro to film class is awesome, especially because Dr. Casper is very entertaining and imparts so much information about film to us. But my favorite thing that he's lectured us on this year was Joan Crawford. He KNEW Joan Crawford! He told us a story about going to her penthouse in New York in the 1970s. He described the penthouse, her appearance, and the kind things she did for him. It's those kinds of things that intrigue me so much. It's like these old film stars... they had this different aura about them. I can't think of anyone today who carries with them an aura like Ingrid Bergman, Audrey Hepburn, Doris Day, and Katharine Hepburn. Not to mention the actors! Humphrey Bogart (and the fact that he was married to Lauren Bacall), Clark Gable (and wife Carole Lombard), and Jimmy Stewart!!!!! Jimmy Stewart has been my absolute favorite for such a long time. He seems like such an honest, humble guy (even though he was a conservative, hehe).

I'm reading this book on the making of Casablanca. I've actually been reading it since last year though. It's one of those that you can pick up and read a chapter at a time without losing interest. So I just read it whenever I randomly have time.
The studio system was so odd back then. People were under contracts, much like today's athletes. And the directors were just as big of divas as the actors and actresses! Sheesh.

Bergman kept a film diary, which was separate from her personal diary I guess. Her and Bogart had a very superficial relationship. Not that they didn't get along, they just never became that close. This is unique because Bogart often got VERY close to his costars, if you catch my drift.

See, I want to know all the behind the scenes shizzzzz. What's the juice? The drama? The problems with making the product? Ahhhhhhh!


A classic film star historian. That's my secret dream job.

Re: Hello

I emailed my Aunt Becky earlier today to say hello, and this was her response. I don't know why, but it just made me so happy.

Notes:
*Mary Ann is my aunt, her sister
**Craig is my uncle (her brother), and Monica is his daughter, who has 3 little boys
***My dad is also her brother
****Raul is her latin lover hahaha

I was just asking Grandma how your trip to Notre Dame went. What a great deal for you that you signed on to that program. I think it's wonderful that you get to travel around and see some places. Is it hard to keep up with your studies?
My trip to Mary Ann's was great. The only bad thing was that fiasco with the Bart train and we couldn't see you. It would have been perfect to end my week that way.
Craig and Monica and Monica's family were down to see G & G. I'm sure you heard about it, but I think it was good for G&G to see their great grand kids. You never know what will happen so I was glad that worked out.
Your Dad apologized to me a couple of weeks ago for calling me when he was drunk. I thought that was quite a step for him. I realize he's not clean all the time but I think he's trying. If the damn economy would turn around it would sure help.
Raul is out of work. Something that's never happened to him since he's been in the States (15 years). He's heading to Mexico tomorrow night and won't be back until January. His boss told him he wouldn't have any work until January so he's taking the oppportunity to go see his family and help out at the ranch. I know I'll miss him but it will be a nice break for me not to have kids running thru my house every week-end. In fact I'm going to paint my pink bedroom. It's going to be kind of a coffee with cream color. Got a new bedspread on sale last summer so I'm going for it.
Take care. Nice to hear from you.
Love,
Becky

A Closed Book

I'm contemplating getting a Tumblr... but then I'm like, I have a Twitter. I have a Facebook. A Myspace. A Livejournal. Plus this thing. What else could I possibly have to post online that would necessitate a Tumblr?

Childhood

I'm already thinking of Christmas gifts... mostly for my brothers. I've looked up Thomas the Train merchandise on Amazon and Toys R Us. Let's just say, I'm going to have too much fun shopping. =) Too bad I'll have to buy THREE of everything. Geez! My mom hasn't taught them their sharing fundamentals, and I'm not around enough to help out with that.
It's most likely that I'll end up buying them books because I really want to encourage them to start reading and doing more enriching activities. I'm just scared that they won't have the same educational opportunities that I did. When they start kindergarten I think I'll be starting my senior year (?). That is the scariest thought ever. I want to be really involved in the process though. I want to go to accompany my mom to parent-teacher conferences, and volunteer at events for them. I hope that whatever job I have (if I even manage to get a job) allows me enough time and leaves me at a decent proximity. The future is so frightening.

Dripping With Alchemy

Weekender @ Cal:
-We beat the bears!
-Bus ride sucked
-Introduced to the new love of my life... Midori
-Bus ride sucked
-I was involved in some drama =0
-Talked to the elusive David Rodriguez... what a party animal.
-BART train broke down so my aunts were able to see me perform =(

Weekend @ home
-Caught up with Doris, the luvly luvly taco worshiper
-Saw mah boyf
-Disappointed a good friend
-Bought a few necessities at Target, Victoria's Secret, and Old Navy
-My mommy gave me a new pillow and a nail kit =)
-My brothers made me feel so much better. They're growing so much, I hate that I have to miss it.
-Fernandooooooo. Cutie.
-The Thomas the Train obsession lives on.

Coming up this week @ school
-Ally activities
-Must plan fun activity for Quiz Bowl Meetings
-Packing for the Chicago/notre dame trip! Oh yay!
-Write letters to those who have written me
-Leave for Chicago on Thursday
-See "Where The Wild Things Are"!

The Angels swept the Red Sox! I'm so happy. There's nothing that will stop me from buying World Series tickets if I get the chance. I don't care how much it costs me.

A Lingering Memory

Two years ago, when I was just a month into my senior year of high school, my stepfather's brother was killed in a van rollover.

He was riding in a van with 9 others traveling through San Diego after successfully (and illegally) crossing the Mexican border into the United States.

He was 20 years old.

My stepfather heard the news when he was driving me home from school. He had been in contact with the 'coyote' for a number of days, tracking each move the group was making toward America. He received a call on his cell phone as he drove. I wasn't really listening to what he was saying, but I distinctly remember hearing him gasp at some point in the conversation.

When he got off the phone, I asked if it was about his brother. He said yes. I asked how close he was to arriving.
"Fallecio."
He's dead.

I couldn't understand what I was hearing. The past few days it had sounded like things were going well, like he was on track to arrive soon and be reunited with his siblings, and meet his nieces and nephews.

How could this happen when he was so close to his destination? The van was in San Diego. They had crossed the border, that was the hardest part. Apparently the van was traveling at high velocity.

My stepfather's brother was the only fatality in the accident.

My stepdad didn't cry at all during that car ride home. He didn't cry when we got home and saw his older brother outside working on one of their cars. He broke the news to him calmly.

He later walked into our apartment, sat down at the dinner table, told my mother, and finally began to cry. He put his head down and wept so loudly. It still haunts me. Maybe that's why I'm writing this.

The next few hours only increased the agony. My stepfather's sister, brother-in-law, and two older brothers all sat around our dinner table. Pati, his sister, sat in utter shock and with a few spontaneous tears streaming. My stepfather still sat with his head down. His brothers sat in shock as well.

My twin brothers were napping at the time, but as soon as Henry woke up, Higinio (stepdad, their dad) wanted to hold him close. He silently sobbed as my baby brother sat on his lap.

Even more painful was the fact that none of the siblings could travel to Mexico for the funeral, it would cost too much to pay a coyote to go there and back. And why risk another tragedy?

They spent the next few days going to the Mexican consulate in Santa Ana. A picture of the young man was faxed to the consulate, and he was positively identified. Higinio kept the 8 x 11 photograph in a small folder. He wanted me to look at it, he wanted me to see his brother. It was the only way I'd ever 'meet' him.

After spending months arguing with Higinio over trivial things, I regretted everything. As much of a sexist pig as I thought (and still think) he was, this death finally humanized him. He was no longer the evil man influencing my mother into making my life extremely difficult. He was finally someone I could empathize with.

Two years have passed and I still have my issues with him, but I'll never forget the side of him I saw when his brother died. Everyone's human, it just takes time to uncover.

His baby brother died trying to make it to the so-called land of dreams. He was only miles away.

Heart-shaped Potato

Me: I wanna blog, but I don't know what to blog about.
Becky: Blog about me sleeping. *goes to sleep*

Becky is now sleeping. She went to sleep before 11! Crazy stuff. She and I were both really exhausted today. I don't know if fatigue is contagious or what, but it's spreading like crazy. I got a decent amount of sleep last night but was still really tired all day. I even took a nap in the afternoon.

Now I'm up watching Obama on Letterman. Our president is so charming.

Tomorrow is Tuesday. It should be quite a long day. Usually my Wednesdays are awful, but this week it looks like Tuesday is gonna suck. I have to wake up early to pack a lunch. My first class is at 9:30 until 10:50. Then I'm going to a Daily Trojan Copy Editing Workshop. A business editor from the LA Times is coming in to give a tutorial, it should be pretty cool. Then at 12:30 I have class until 2 pm. After class I'll have my only break of the day until 3:45... band practice. At 6 we get a dinner break, then at 7 its back to sectionals. At 9 pm I'll finally be able to go home... and probably sleep.

Hectic days are always bad when you're actually going through them, but then at the end of it you feel so accomplished. I always think I'll never get through them, but when I do, I'm proud of myself. At this time tomorrow I'll be so happy knowing how much I got done in a day.

My dad was supposed to come to the football game this Saturday, but he can't now for reasons unknown. I'm actually relieved about this though. He's been acting like, to steal from Obama's rhetoric, a jackass. I wasn't looking forward to him possibly getting involved with tailgating.

I realized that I probably won't be going home until the weekend of October 9th. That's about 3 weeks away. I can't wait to see my brothers. I wonder what mischief they're getting into these days.

In October I'll be traveling to Berkeley, Oregon, and Chicago/Indiana, all with the Marching Band! I'm so excited for Chicago, I've never traveled that far east.

Okay. Time for bed.

Goodnight and Fight On!

Annoying

I get so anxious all the time now.

Aleatorio

Music is music. Why should we have to pay for something that should be a natural right? Artists can make plenty of money off of the use of their images, videos, radio play, concerts, merch, etc. The music should be a gift they choose to share with listeners, not a privilege that they want us to pay for.



The other day a friend told me that they think they understand how I like my friendships to work. I think the person was right. I value each of my friendships, I hate the ones that consist of pure artificiality. I want real conversations, I want nothing to be off limits. I want honesty. I don't like when I'm talking with someone and I'm overly hesitant to say what I really want to say. I shouldn't have to be scared, I should just let it out. But I still struggle with this. I'm not a perfect friend, but I want to be the best friend possible.

I think part of the reason I value my close friends so much is because I grew up alone for a long time in my life. At home I was always with my parents or grandparents, I was hardly around people my age, only at school. I matured at a very young age. Maybe that's why I'm not afraid to ask personal questions. Mature topics are appealing, not taboo, to me.



Fight On. I love this phrase so much. People who aren't Trojans think it's funny when I say it randomly, but everyone at school gets it. Fight On. Persist. Overcome. Don't stop. Don't quit.



I really love being back at school. Some of the classes are tedious, but in the scheme of things, I know I'm working my way up to something bigger and better. Years from now, hopefully, I'll know that all these random GE courses did have a purpose, even if only to fulfill some requirements created by administrators who I'll never meet or care to meet. I've got to do what's necessary to get to where I want to be.

The independence is the best part. I was independent for most of my life before I got here, but in a different way. I lived with family all my life, but they weren't the ideal family. My parents weren't involved, they didn't treat me the same way other kids were treated. They didn't ever punish me, but they didn't ever tell me they loved me either. I know they loved me, but we just weren't the type to blurt it out loud. Plus, the things I endured with my father hardened me in a way. He made me numb. This is a numbness I've tried to rid myself of, but it's difficult.



I miss my brothers. I say this all the time, but I really do. Everyday they're learning new things, developing and developing, but I'm missing it all. The past weekend, when I got to see them after not seeing them for 4 weeks, they brightened everything around me. Their innocent mischief and sincere curiosity makes me so incredibly happy. I want to do good for them. They don't deserve to live in that shabby one-bedroom house. They deserve the world, and I want to help provide them with it someday.



For now, we all Fight On.

Greg Robinson died hungry.

I'm still trying to figure out how to balance it all. Last year I don't think I felt this overwhelmed, but only because I was naive about college as a whole. I thought I could handle 18 units, marching band commitment, and a social life. I couldn't.

This year I know I can handle it much better than before, but I'm also trying to realistically organize and allocate time wisely for each commitment. Personal commitments are harder to handle though. I can't make as many phone calls. I can't visit as many friends. I can't go home every other weekend. My family might not see me for multiple weeks at a time. To some that might not sound bad, but for me it is. As much as I can get irritated with my overbearing grandparents, troubled father, and distant mother, there's still a void in me when I'm away from them for a long period. I even worry about what will happen once I graduate. Will I be able to get a job and stay close to home? Will a lack of money cause my mom to move away?

But I just have to keep living day-to-day. That's how I've survived the first 19 years of my life, and that's how I hope to continue surviving.

Thug Life

Long distance relationships... I guess there's no perfect way to handle them.

Soulglow

I cannot remember ever being this tan. When my mom came to drop off some food for me last night she said she didn't even recognize me at first. I was offended and perplexed. I was so sad when she visited though because my brothers had fallen asleep during the car ride here. That meant that they wouldn't be getting out of the truck to see my apartment. My mom did come up to see it, but only for about two minutes. I miss all of them so much. I got really teary eyed when I saw my brothers sleeping peacefully. I kissed Henry on the forehead. I had to close the truck door quickly and say goodbye, I could hardly stand it. I miss being able to see them on a regular basis. I think they'll still remember me though. The baby won't, but Henry and Jonathan will.

Today I had my first Journalism 202 class. It's very small and intimate, I think there are about 12 girls and 1 guy in the class. They're mostly broadcast journalism or public relations majors. I was one of three print journalism majors. I hate that all the girls are so perfect looking. I swear it's some sort of prerequisite to have to be really really really gorgeous and confident to get into our school of comm and journalism. I was a special exception or something. And they're all so talkative and outgoing. I like to sit back more and observe what's going on. I only participate when I feel strongly compelled to do so. This needs to change.

Tonight at 6pm I have my Classic Rock N Roll Class, which I'm very much looking forward to. My roommate says I'll like the professor, and it's an interesting, easy class. Can't wait!

Tomorrow morning I have two interviews for work study jobs. I'll be amazed and appalled if I can't get a job. I have nothing working against me. They know I'm a student and they're looking to hire students. Gosh I hope it works out. One interview is for work in the Mathematics Dept. Office and the other is for the School of Businesss Office. I really hope I do get an office job. I like office environments.

Another beginning.

Tomorrow is the first day of Fall 2009 classes at the University of Southern California. Oh yay! I've actually been back in Los Angeles since the 14th of August because of band camp. This year's band camp felt 10 million times better than last year. I know what I'm doing, I'm growing closer with the other girls, and it's fun =) My feet and ankles really gave me trouble though. At times I really thought I had reaggravated my foot injury, luckily I seem to be okay now. I just hope my feet can survive the upcoming football season. I canNOT wait until September 5th for so many reasons! Pete Carroll is gonna make this Fall so much better. He came out to band practice yesterday and really pumped us up. He loves the band! =)

Anyway, I really can't believe classes start tomorrow. I think it's tougher for me because there really wasn't any break between band camp and classes. Today was the last day and I've only got tonight to mentally prep myself. But Mondays shouldn't be too bad. I just have a morning class and a night class. During the day I guess I'll just relax, maybe go to the grocery store. But if I manage to get a work study job, my Mondays will probably be pretty busy. Plus, band practice runs on Tuesday, Thursday, Friday from 3:45 to 5:45, and Saturday mornings from 7 to 10ish. I will officially have no life. Everything is starting to pile up.

Oh, and I am now the official president of USC Quiz Bowl. Fight On!

Anything Is Possible

OH MY GOODNESS when was the last time I blogged?

Girrrrrrl, there is so much to catch up on.

Where to start, where to start......

I turned 19! That was fun. Spent it celebrating with most of my closest friends =)

I fractured my foot! Thank goodness it's only a hairline fracture. I was playing basketball and I jumped and landed awkwardly on my left foot. It got pretty swollen right away, but I thought it was just a bad sprain. I even finished playing the game! But the swelling was so bad later on that I decided I should go to urgent care and have it X-Rayed. At first the doctor didn't see anything wrong in the X-Ray, but he zoomed in on a tiny tiny tiny tiny tiny crack in a bone. UGH. So I've been wearing what they call a post-op boot and limping around. I used crutches for the first few days but then got tired of them. My foot is doing a lot better, I think it's close to being fully healed. Hopefully I can play one last time before going back to school.

The first day of band camp is August 14th! That leaves me with so little time to wrap things up at home.

America, Ryeet?

-Top Gun...the 80s bromance film

-Michael Jackson
"You've never listened to the entire Thriller album? That's okay. No one's perfect." -Sammy

Reason Michael Jackson died: When Farah Fawcett got to heaven, God said he'd grant her
one wish, and she wished for all the children in the world to be safe. (Told by Albert's dad)

-Convinced Albert to drink a beer. "Albert, George Washington is frowning at you right now because you are not drinking this Coors Light!"

-Found out that Liz wears diapers

-Listened to people gossip about high school/junior high drama, which sounded very dramatic.

-Enjoyed seeing Doris trying to get everyone to say "Ryeet?" I think only Yousaf said it.

-Watched Janet light some very pretty fireworks. =) But we never blew up that toy car like we said we would!

-Long= Major Asian glow

-Did some EPIC tweeting! I love looking through old tweets. And I loved it when Janet, Danny, and Yousaf asked if I was tweeting. Lol I just love hearing people say "tweeting."

-Texted Melissa throughout the evening. I told her I was third wheeling it with Liz and Doris. Haha.

-Andrew and Albert's dad talked at great length about the flawed hospital care system in the country. It was extremely random.

-Liz drove Carl!!! I luv it. I hope she luvd it too. "You didn't lock your door?? You son of a bitch!!!"

-Yousafina

-I swear we sat in the McDonald's drive thru for like 20 minutes...they ordered so much food! I remember two orders of fries, a McDouble for Doris, a McChicken for Sammy, a chicken classic something for Yoofy, a strawberry shake for Albert, and an Oreo McFlurry for Tony. Omg I didn't get anything. How offensive. I remember listening to Liz order all this stuff, and I loved the way she said "a regular" mcflurry or shake. I don't know why, I just did.

-My friends are irreplaceable.

Succexy

I used to not believe people when they said that turning 19 was pretty boring and depressing, but now I might start to believe it.

About a month ago I was excited to host my 3rd annual softball game for my birthday. Monica and I texted each other about it, I told her about my past two birthdays and how fun they were. She got really excited, which made me more excited. However, now I'm starting to realize that I'm completely broke—and so is everyone else. I wouldn't want to make it a potluck, I don't want to scavenge for softball equipment, and not too many people are around this summer. Maybe they are around, but many are just preoccupied with other things it seems.

I'm sad to not have a shindig and get to see all the people I love, but hopefully I'll see them when school starts back up and at random points in the summer.

I'm thinking of asking my mom to buy me a gym membership for a month for my birthday. It'd only be like 30 bucks because it's so late into summer for me. That's reasonable. But I've also been wanting a digital camera forever...and I want to go to Seattle...and I really need money too. UGH. Why can't I just be fucking rich like Bill Gates or something. Ryeet? I wonder if people like him even look forward to birthdays when there's really not much they needs material-wise.

Okay so maybe I'll ask my mom to pay for a flight to Seattle. But then I'll have to also see if my cousins or relatives would be willing to host me. Maybe I'll just go for a really long drive on the 12th of July. That's a sort of escape I suppose.

A Toast to Aging

Wrote this on the 14th:

My brothers turned 3 years old today. I still can't believe it. 3 years have passed since I first saw their tiny, 3 pound bodies in hospital incubators. I didn't know what to think when they were born. I couldn't fathom the idea of finally having siblings. Now, my life is complete because of them. It's so cliche, but I could die tomorrow, without having had a boyfriend, fallen in love, or experienced true adulthood, and I'd still be satisfied knowing that I at least played a part in raising these beautiful little boys.

Okay, enough with the sappy stuff.

I drove them over to my grandma's house today because she wanted to see them and give them their presents. She gave them each a book (one with Nemo, the other with Elmo), and also gave them each a Hot Wheels cement truck. They loved these things. I thought it was so cute and funny to see them playing in the back yard at my grandma's. They were pushing the little trucks around, exclaiming countless things in spanish, and my grandpa just kept saying, "Yeah" or "Sure". Hahah. Most of the time they were exclaiming about how fast the truck had gone down a ramp or about it crashing.

I brought them back home and gave them each a balloon from Party City. The balloons had Lightning McQueen on them. =) My mom was home with her sister-in-law, Pati, getting ready to make posole. They had planned a spur-of-the-moment party for Henry and Jonathan. So I helped with little things during the setup. I had also invited Liz, her brother Philip, Melissa, Felipa and my cousin Jeff. Jeff had a prior commitment.

I picked up Melissa and her friend Tony from their houses and we came back around 5pm. Next, Liz and Philip arrived to join in the festivities. Aww, I was so happy to see them. Liz just got home from Santa Cruz for the summer. Lastly, Felipa arrived. She was the only one who actually bought my brothers presents. Haha. Not that I was expecting anyone to, I just thought it was funny.

Everyone really liked Pati's posole, except for Tony, who is a vegetarian. He ate tostadas and cake, and drank soda. Haha.

It's too bad that my little brothers are so shy around strangers. I wish my friends could see the adorable, cute, and talkative side to them. Hopefully they won't be as shy in the coming years.

My stepdad had been drinking beers with his 'guays' throughout the day, so he was very nice due to his semi-drunk state. He kept wanting to make sure that my friends had enough to eat and drink. The funniest thing was that he kept asking if Philip wanted a beer! Philip only had one, but my stepdad kept making sure that he didn't want anymore. That was very entertaining.

The only bittersweet thing was that the Lakers played game five of the Finals tonight, and I didn't get to see a single moment of the game. However, I texted Google a few times and got score updates. I knew they were on the way to victory by halftime. But I really don't think watching the game could compare to the great company I had today. I usually watch games alone anyway. Lately I've watched with my dad, but only when I'm at my grandma's. So, I don't regret missing the championship clinching game. I'm sure I'll read about it for months to come.

Once again, happy birthday to Henry and Jonathan—the loves of my life. =)

Los quiero mucho.

Levemente

I just got back from one of the best musical experiences I think I'll ever have.

Reik Concert, June 13, 2009 at the Fox Theatre in Pomona

For readers unfamiliar with the group Reik, allow me to explain. Reik is a Mexican band made up of three guys: Julio (guitar), Bibi (guitar), and Jesus (vocals). They play pop rock en espanol. The best comparison to English music I can come up with is the Jonas Brothers, but older, more appealing, not brothers, and not annoying in any way whatsoever. =)

Diana invited me to the concert a few months back. She's the only other Reik fan I know and she says I'm the only one she knows! It worked out quite well. She had been to a concert of theirs two years ago and met them too. Lucky girl!

Anyway, I picked Diana up at 2pm sharp to begin the journey to Pomona. We left extra early so that we could get to the front of the line. The show was general admission, so we wanted to get a spot in the front of the crowd. We got there around 3pm. There were about 10 people ahead of us, which wasn't too bad.

We spent the next 4 hours standing and waiting for the doors to open. These fairly young people (early 20s?) were in line behind us. Apparently they're members of the only official Reik fan club in California. They kept making a huge deal about how they went to the LA show too and woke up super early and blah blah blah. I don't understand how they could be that devoted. I mean, I love good music, but I don't think I love any band enough to follow them to every show they play. Plus, the money spent must be outrageous! They were pretty entertaining to listen to though. Their spanglish was hilarious.

After a while I walked to Starbucks to buy Diana and I drinks. I got my signature iced chai, but with an espresso shot. I was pretty tired from Doris's birthday dinner the night before and hadn't slept well. That espresso shot helped me through the day. =)

Somehow, we survived the 4 hour wait. It just seems so endless when you stand there for such a long time. Our feet were really hurting and I kept wondering if I'd make it. Haha. Of course, they didn't open the doors at 7 like they'd promised. I think they finally let us in at 7:15 or 7:20.

Diana and I ran to get good spots. We were on the right side facing the stage. Ahhhhh. I almost jizzed over how good our spot was. I was trying to picture the beautiful guitarists in front of me, but it was nearly unimaginable. But as we stood there, it kept getting later and later! By the time 8:30 rolled around, we were really anxious. We both had to pee and our feet were super tired. This lame DJ was mixing music onstage as a sort of opening act. He sucked.

This part was so frustrating because the thing was supposed to start at 8pm!! The staff seemed to be taking their time in setting up. And I hate that the fans are so helpless in that situation. Like, you wanna leave to show how angry it makes you, but then the money spent on the ticket shouldn't go to waste like that. So, you're forced to stay there.

FINALLY, around 9:40, the lights went out and those sexy Mexican vatos took the stage. On our side of the stage was Bibi, the lead guitarist. I was so fascinated with him!! God, he's beautiful. And he plays with such finesse. I must have stared at him forever...

Julio, the other guitarist, is a total flirt onstage! He knows that every single girl in the audience wants him, and he loves that. Girls threw a bra, underwear, stilettos, neck braces and tons of jewelry at him. As much as I hate that he's a flirt like that, his charm is irresistible!! Diana was wearing a heart necklace, and she decided she wanted to give it to him. But rather than throw it onstage and risk him not getting it, she held it out. She was holding it out for a while until he finally noticed. He made his way over to our side of the stage and we just about died. Diana squealed after he put it on, gave a cute little grin, and posed for a picture. This all happened in the middle of a song!

Julio had come over to our side of the stage multiple times already, and at one point he kneeled down to play and get closer to the audience. While he kneeled, he looked at me and winked!! Ahhhh. The whole night I was outstretching my hand for him or Bibi to touch it, but I'm too short. =( That's what sucks about trying to reach over a metal barrier...my tiny arms. BUT!!!!! Julio again looked over at me and saw my little outstretched hand. He made his way over and reached out to me...and...I...died. He could only really reach my fingertips, but that was enough! I felt him holding his guitar pick! What made it all the more special was he ONLY touched my hand when he made this particular trip to our side. =)

The lead singer, Jesus, was also very interactive with the audience. He wore jewelry they threw at him, along with scarves and other random things. At the end of the show he touched most everyone's hand (most everyone who was near the front of the audience).

Bibi, however, was very elusive. He looked at me a few times, and at one point he winked, and another time he made a funny face, but that was all I could get out of him. =/ He wasn't as into trying to touch fans' hands, probably because he was so focused on his amazing guitar skills. It's okay though since I got to stare at him for most of the show. Too bad he was wearing a wedding band. UGH! Diana says he has a kid too. More ugh. But I still took a picture of him on my phone and made it my wall paper. =)

The show ended around 11pm. Diana wanted to get her necklace back, but the stage crew and security team were total jerks! She kept going back and forth trying to see if they'd go check and try to grab it for her, but no one seemed very eager to help. One guy felt bad, but he was an underling and didn't have the power to go backstage or onstage to retrieve it. Diana says the necklace was cheap, but she wanted it because Julio had worn it!!! Sigh. I felt pretty sad for her.

Overall though, we both had a lot of fun—even after having to wait 8 hours. My Reik mix CD sounded so much better on the drive back home. Seeing a band live, and seeing them actually play well, makes you appreciate them so much!

It's just too bad that Julio is a player, Jesus gives off a gay vibe, and Bibi is married...

The City

I tweeted about this, but I wanna write about it some more! It was the smallest occurrence, but it really made my day.

After a quick trip to Wal Mart to pick up some toilet paper, I was driving to go to the Coffee Bean. I stopped at a stop sign to make a left turn when I saw a streetsweeper rounding the corner to the left of my car. So, he made the turn, and then I saw the car that follows those streetsweepers and writes tickets. I noticed the guy driving the car was really cute, and I guess I stared for a while because he looked at me and smiled and waved!

I hardly remember what he looked like though...he had dark hair, a very nice smile, and his arm was tattooed. It's quite possible that he drives through my grandparents' neighborhood every Thursday! I was only a few blocks away from their house, and it was streetsweeping day for us. Dayum. Next week I'm gonna stake out in the living room and run out when I see the streetsweeper coming.

Days go by

My Grandpa is exhibiting early signs of dementia. He doesn't remember names of items much anymore and he makes rash decisions when he's frustrated.

My Grandma is sensitive and over-emotional. She thinks she has control over the household and those around her, but it's quite the opposite.

I feel like I don't have a home anymore. My mom's house offers toddler chaos (and cuteness), but little privacy. But I still feel guilty whenever I leave. My grandparents' house offers anxiety. But at least I can leave for periods at a time in order to calm down.

Tragedy

The story about the Air France flight that disappeared is completely heartbreaking. What an awful thing to have happen. 228 people suddenly gone.

I hate the idea of plane crashes. You board the flight fully expecting to land safely at your destination. You usually board a plane after experiencing a new place or on your way to experiencing a new place. Sure, some bad thoughts may cross your mind in preparation for the flight, but there's no way to prepare yourself for a tragedy.

Just thinking about all those people on the French flight...228 families are grieving, all united in a way that they probably never wanted to be. And think of the last moments on that flight. So many things probably went unsaid by those poor passengers. They couldn't even make that last cell phone call to say that last I love you.

Revelry

Today was baby Fernando's first birthday and Monday is my mommy's birthday. If she gets Sunday off, we're going to have a little party, so hopefully I can invite some of my friends. =) I told Becky about it last week and it sounds like she was available. Yay! I'll invite Doris and she'll say no. I'll invite Melissa and she'll say yes. Haha.

My Grandma and I went to Old Navy to buy presents; we got my mom the same kind of jeans that I wear, since she makes such a big deal about how much she likes them. She borrowed a pair and wore them for like 3 days! So I figured she should really have her own pair. We got baby Fernando a little t-shirt and a pair of shorts. Baby clothes are da cutest.

It's so weird how people can go through such varying degrees of closeness with friends. One month you and a friend are on the same wavelength, confiding in each other and helping de-stress. Then the next month it's, like, different. You and that friend go for days and weeks without talking, and it feels like there's an underlying tension. I don't know how to approach it at all. I want to tell this person that I'm upset that we don't talk anymore, that I wish I could be a part of their life again. I might be overreacting since life, school, and responsibilities can get in the way, but it's still had a fairly major impact on me.

I'll learn to fill the void.

Tonight my dad asked if I wanted to go for a walk with him. He usually walks with his gf in the evening, but tonight I guess she was too lazy. We left during the 2nd quarter of the Laker game. I trusted the Lakers to maintain the lead while I was gone. Anyhow, my dad and I got around to talking about basketball. I had told him that he and I need to start playing this summer so we can get in shape. We both hate walking/running and would much prefer to play basketball, but we're having trouble getting a decent basketball to use.

He started telling me about the last time he'd played basketball–in jail. Haha. I was very entertained by this. It was the first time he'd told me anything about his time in jail. He said he played a few times while he was in there, but that the guys were too rough. Apparently they were rough because they were playing for a candy bar! HAHA. He said he'd go in for a layup and always get hit with a hard foul, and that a lot of the guys were surprised at how good he was.

Yup. That's my dad.

Bahumbug

At this point I feel very alone.

I have no one to hang out with during the day except my little brothers. I mean, I love them more than life itself, but I can't have any real conversations with them. And when my mom's home, I can't even talk to her. I'm so jealous of my friends who seem to talk about everything with their moms. My mom never knows what goes on in my life. I've never asked her for guy advice. I've never told her when my heart was broken. I've never cried to her about anything. It's all superficial. We're both stubborn, that's why. She won't tell me when she's mad unless I ask, and I won't tell her when I'm mad unless she asks me.

I never thought I'd say this, but I envision myself talking more to my dad about my personal issues. Even after all the problems I've had with him, he seems to understand and sympathize with any issues I might have. He understands the problems I have with my grandparents, with money, and even with school. Our relationship is more open. Tomorrow I'll see him and probably talk to him about my broken heart.

When it comes to talking with friends, I've been very shut off for the past couple of weeks. The only tool I really have is my phone. I've sent out a lot of lengthy text messages. That's all I have. That, and this blog. But after a while it feels like I'm just pestering my friends, so I start this process of shutting myself off. This is when I start bottling things up. This is when I start internally imploding.

I See It Around Me, I See It In Everything

Haven't written in a while. I always think about writing as the day winds down, but I end up getting too lazy or distracted.

The last few days have and haven't been exciting.

I visited the old high school on Wednesday. I only visited Mr. Bermudez (Math) and Mr. Roberts (English) though. Melissa really wanted me to go to journalism, but I had not mentally prepped for that. I'm weird like that. Like, I liking to plan/think ahead of time what's gonna happen when I go somewhere. That day, I had only planned on visiting those two classrooms. I'm weird like that. I guess I just don't like when things don't go as I had mentally planned. SO, I stuck to my plan. Sorry, Melissa. Haha.

Bermudez was cool...I waltzed in, sat down next to him, said "Whats up!!" Haha. I had my backpack too, so I blended in with all the other kiddos. I wish I could have talked more to Bermudez, but he was busy I guess. Every time I try to visit him, he acts quite busy! Like, I'll try to talk to him about more personal things but then he'll just ignore me or be distracted by something else. So I mostly used his computer and talked to Melissa during 4th period.

So after 4th, I went to lunch with Melissa and her peeps in the senior gardens. That was kinda nice. I didn't eat anything, but I got to talk to them and catch up. This kid Alfonso is the nicest guy! He's Danny's little brother, and Danny is Janet's boyfriend, and Janny are some of my closest pals. =) I headed to Roberts' class with Alfonso. Melissa contemplated ditching journalism and coming with us, but she ended up going to journalism.

As we walked down the hall, I saw my cousin Jeff saying sup to all his vatos or whatever, so I surprised him and did a little fist bump thing or whatever. "SUP!" "You go to this school now? Since when?" Haha. I told him I had just enrolled. We're such kidders.

Roberts was happy (?) to see me? I can never tell with that guy. He greeted me pretty warmly though. I told him I was there to sub. Heehee. After his 5th period class we got to talk a little bit. I helped take down a lot of his old posters and postcards since he'll need to start cleaning up for his retirement. I took some select postcards, but a lot I left for other students to peruse and take. Too bad most of them came from Ms. Saxton...that was pretty anticlimactic. I thought there was more of a history behind the postcards, but they mostly contained notes asking Bill if he had x number of copies for whatever book, or some dry erase markers. Lame. I guess you can't judge a postcard by its cover. HA.

While I was there, Roberts mentioned that he can't remember ever seeing so many pregnant girls at school. That was really upsetting to me. It's so frustrating that our school board is so completely naive that they won't even allow sex education to be taught. Like there's no connection between the high pregnancy rate and lack of sex education?? Damn it. We still offer home ec/cooking classes, but no sex ed. Ain't that lovely. Here, learn how to cook since you're bound to get pregnant soon.

Moving on.

Thursday I babysat my brothers in the afternoon until my mom got home from work. I decided to take them to have their first ice cream cones. =) I put baby Fernando in the stroller, and Henry and Jonathan each grabbed a side of the stroller. It was super adorable. We walked over to the ice cream place and I ordered them two chocolate ice cream cones. I told the lady not to put too much ice cream, but she didn't understand. Ugh. So I gave Henry and Jonathan a giant cone each and they made a huge mess. But I still loved every minute of it. "Mmmm, rico!" Haha. I got some cute pictures on my camera phone.

Later that evening Janet's mom picked me and Vinnie up to drive to Santa Barbara for Janet's graduation. Yay!! We had In N Out before we left and it was freakin delicious. My first In N Out burger of the summer. Epic.

The drive wasn't too bad. Vinnie and I were freaking out about the Laker game. I kept getting Google updates, and the score was always so close! We weren't too happy to hear they had lost, but whatever. At least they won the next game. Janet's mom was pretty entertained by our making such a big deal out of it though. It's the playoffs though! She can't judge us.

Anywayyyy, we got to Janet's around 9:30 that night. Her and Danny have a very nice little apartment. It felt very home-y. I slept on the top bunk of the bunk bed, Janet and her mom took the bottom, and Vinnie slept on the couch. Danny slept over at a friend's house because he was afraid of what would happen if Janet's dad showed up and saw him sleeping there. He worried over nothing! Her dad didn't show up until much later than he said he would.

Albert, Sammy, Pam and Rochelle arrived Friday morning for the graduation. It was nice to see all of them, especially Pam since I don't get many chances to really talk to her. That afternoon we walked around SB. We went to the beach for a little while and walked along the shore, then we went to a playground near Janet's apartment for Rochelle to play at. Omg I raced Rochelle down the slide. Not gonna lie, that was pretty fun.

Toward the end some of us were playing on the monkey bars. Albert got on them, swung himself with one hand, and fell on his ass! It was the funniest thing I've seen in a while. I vividly remember it in my head. I wish I could have a .gif made of it. Oh wellz.

The time finally came around for Janet's graduation. The ceremony was very nice and short. There weren't too many graduates, so that was a plus. When Janet's name was said, her entire family and all of her friends cheered loudly and proudly =). Afterward we were supposed to go to Outback Steakhouse, but the restaurant didn't have our table ready. -__- But, there was a pizza parlor across the street glad to accommodate us, so our gang of Mexicans migrated over there. The pizza was soooo good. PLUS, they were showing the Cleveland-Orlando game on a big screen television. OMG that was the craziest game. Freakin' LeBron James and his three-point abilities. I was pretty heartbroken that Orlando didn't win.

Anyway, it was still a nice meal. Rochelle was a little diva the whole time! She likes having everyone's attention.

I came home Saturday. Yousaf's mom Gracie was nice enough to let me ride back with her, little Abraham, and the grandparents. Abraham was really entertaining. He kept saying "There's traffits!" Hahaha. Kids mispronouncing things is so entertaining. Like when Henry calls Jonathan "Jotanan" Awwwwww. It melts my heart.

Anyway. The car ride wasn't too bad. I was afraid it might be awkward because Yousaf's grandma sometimes puts me on the spot about things. But she was really quiet! I didn't understand why she talked so little. I think most of us were exhausted though, especially since most of the festivities were a little rushed.

To be continued...

Weenie Roast

Omg Weenie Roast...this blog will do it very little justice.

Felipa and I got to the venue around 3:30 and had to wait in line a while to get in.

When we finally got in, we bought t-shirts right away. Felipa bought a Weenie Roast 2009 shirt, while I bought a Jimmy Eat World (!!!!!) shirt. =) I was so happy.

Then we roamed around and checked out various vendors. We came to the guest services table, where they were selling $10 tickets to a bunch of other concerts. One of the concerts was The Offspring!!! I had wanted to go before but didn't want to splurge on one more concert, so I didn't buy tickets. But this deal was too good to pass up. I called Monica to see if she'd be down to go and she said, "I'd be so DOWN." So I bought two tickets for Friday, June 5th at Irvine. Yay! I can't wait for her to visit.

Dexter Holland, for those of you who don't know, is a USC alumnus and the marching band plays a bunch of Offspring songs. So this concert can only be fully enjoyed with a fellow band member, especially my roommate =)

I digress.

After that I told Felipa we should head to our seats because I wanted to see Airborne Toxic Event. It's sad, but I only wanted to see them for their one famous song, "Sometime Around Midnight." However, their other songs were pretty good too! And the lead singer was a hottie. When they played their one famous song though, I was so happy! That song makes me want to cry every time I hear it. It's one of those songs that you wish applied to your life.

Next up were The Silversun Pickups. They were probably my least favorite of the show. Not that they were bad, it's just that I only know one of their songs and they didn't seem too exciting. Although, the female bassist was so cool! She reminded me of Maggie Gylenhaal. I definitely had a girl crush on her.

A part of me also couldn't enjoy The Silversun Pickups because I was totally freaking out that Weezer was the next band! It kept going through my mind. I wanted to see them already! I kept wanting Silversun to play Lazy Eye already because that would definitely signal the end of their set.

Once Silversun was done, I was so excitedddd! The rotating stage moved, and this couch with five guys sitting on it emerged. It was WEEZER! They were all wearing snuggies, sunglasses, and loafing on a couch. Omg major amazingness...

First they played the Sweater Song. Rivers Cuomo took off his snuggie to reveal some hot pink straight jeans (!!!) and a grey shirt. The whole time they played I just wanted to give Rivers a huge hug! They played other songs like Troublemaker, Hashpipe (so good), Beverly Hills, Pork and Beans, Perfect Situation, Say It Ain't So, Buddy Holly, and Island In The Sun.

BUT. The best and most surprising and most jizz-worthy part of their set was, without a doubt, their cover of MGMT's Kids. Rivers said, "Let's get down," as three of the guys made their way over to some keyboard setups. When they started playing Kids, everyone was kinda like "What the..." but in a good way! Then in the middle of the song, they transitioned to Lady Gaga's Poker Face!! The way Rivers sang "P-p-p-poker face" was the most adorable thing I have ever seen and heard. Aww and the bald spot in the back of his head is even adorable to me! Oh dear. Another unhealthy obsession. =)

What's really cool is that the entire crowd was pretty much into their set. Everyone was standing up, singing along to every song they played. It felt so good to be there. Weezer! I still can't believe it was Weezer. It's like one of those things you never think you'll get to go to, but then you do get to go, and you don't believe that you went...does that make sense?

When their set ended, a little part of me was very sad. But still so happy. The Yeah Yeah Yeahs were up next, but I really had to pee. So Felipa and I went. Neither one of us are huge YYY fans, but I usually like whatever I hear from them. Felipa thinks they sound too much like The Pretenders. We went potty and got back just in time to hear their last song. I really liked watching the lead singer. She's full of energy and her voice is so funky! I likez it a lotz.

Then it was JIMMY EAT WORLD!!! Ahhhhhhhhh! As if the concert couldn't get any better. Jim Adkins looked exactly the same as always. He's so awesome! And the guitarist, I forget his name, was super awesome too. They played Futures, Sugar on the Asphalt(? i don't think that's the name of the song), Work, A Praise Chorus, The Middle, Chase this Light, Always Be, Let it Happen...and some others. =) A part of me wished they had played some more of their older stuff, but it's all good. I really really really want to see them again in concert. With Liz!

Kings of Leon played their set after JEW, and it was supah awesome also. I was surprised that they played Sex On Fire in the middle of the set rather than at the end. Every song sounded amazing! It was like having all their music come to life. Their instrument-playing skills are great and the lead singer's voice is so freakin sexy. Yum.

After them was Rancid...they put on a good show, I was just kinda bored because I don't know any of their music. Next was Travis Barker and DJ AM. I don't know what to say about them.

Travis is very talented.

Overall though, Weenie Roast was the BEST way to kick off my summer. I feel like it was a good sign of things to come. I will be extremely broke for the next 3 months, but the music I'll be listening to will rock my world.

Get Away

I don't want you anymore and I don't need you anymore.

Just Watch the Fireworks

I went to Disneyland today with Monica (roommate), Aislinn and Juan. Aislinn is a fellow band member and Juan lived on our floor...we hadn't planned on him going originally, but it worked out that way. We only had a short while at the parks though because Monica had to be back at SC by 5 for Commencement rehearsal.

We met my mom around 11am at the Monorail station. I like it when my mom meets my friends, I feel like she'll trust me more knowing that I have responsible, nice friends. Some part of my psyche has always suspected that she always thinks I'm lying to her when I tell her where I'm going and who I'll be with. Like in high school, she'd get very suspicious when I'd tell her I was going to hang out with guys. But I couldn't help that most of my friends were guys!

Anyway.

We went to Disneyland first and it was pretty empty! I hadn't been there in at least a year, so it was nice to be back. We went on Space Mountain, the Matterhorn (where Monica lose her phone, though she recovered it soon after), It's a Small World, the Teacups, Big Thunder Mountain, Haunted Mansion, and Pirates of the Caribbean. I think we covered all those rides in about 2.5 hours, which is crazy to think about.

We were hauling ass all over the park.

Juan was always like 20 feet ahead of us because he's apparently in love with Disneyland. Who would have known? He wore this crazy orange shirt with a glow-in-the-dark illustration of Mickey Mouse on it. So when we waited in line in dark places like Space Mountain, Mickey glowed! =)

Aislinn was really enthusiastic about going on It's a Small World, so I didn't tell any of them that I absolutely loathe that right. But it wasn't that bad going on it because we made fun of most of the dolls. Juan took thousands of pictures of the dolls and other things. The "Mexican" part of the ride was so stereotypical! It had a bunch of dolls dancing to Mariachi music. Oh, Disney. You racist.

After going on the Pirates ride, we decided to head over to California Adventure. I made sure we went on the Tower of Terror first. That ride is so legit! It's my absolute favorite at the Disney Parks. I mean, California Screamin' is pretty good too, but it's only a close second to Tower of Terror. Juan had never been to CA Adventure either, so I was excited for him to go on it.

Monica, on the other hand, hates heights, so she wasn't gonna go on it with us. She had been on it once before and hated it. This time, she got in line with us and said she'd just bolt when we went to get on, but she never did! So she went on it again, she said it wasn't as bad but still not very pleasant.

Juan loved it!

Aislinn did too, but she loves everything. She's so nice. =) I like that her favorite ride is the teacup ride. We took some pretty funny pictures on that one.

After Tower of Terror we grabbed some grub. Next we went on the Grizzly River Run, which was another super fun ride. Monica got the most wet. Ha.

I think Monica was kind of frustrated with Juan because he kept wanting to rush from ride to ride, whereas her and Aislinn weren't too worried about getting on so many rides. I was pretty caught in the middle, so I just went along with whatever.

We left the park around 3:45. They dropped me off at home and went back to LA. Apparently Monica was an hour late to rehearsal (!)...but I guess she was okay with it.

When I got home I picked up my brothers from the sitters. Ahhh they're so cute. I honestly don't have a problem babysitting them anymore. Jonathan and Henry keep each other pretty entertained, especially since they're free to roam around outside in the backyard. And baby Fernando is pretty well-behaved. He rarely cries and stays entertained with the simplest of toys.

Tomorrow I'm going to babysit them for a while in the morning...hopefully I come away from that with the same attitude. Haha. My mom guilted me into babysitting though. She always does that. I had plans! I was supposed to play tennis with Vinnie. Now I feel terrible because I know he'll be disappointed that we can't play. He'll say its okay but I know he'll probably be kinda sad about it. Ugh.

But tomorrow night (FOR SURE) I am going out for sushi with Melissa and Tony! Holla. It'll be my first actual meeting with Tony. Apparently he's heard a lot about me, just like I've heard about him. That's so exciting! I've never known anyone to be excited to meet me. I sort of felt like a celebrity when he messaged me over facebook and said I was "exquisite." Awwww.

So yeah. Hopefully we'll eat some delicious shiz and then maybe see Star Trek? It depends on how tired I am.

I haven't been sleeping well at all. My brothers wake up way too early. Alex leaves for work at 4am, and I always hear him get up. College made me such a night owl! How irritating. I guess it doesn't help that I stay up until around 1am blogging and texting like this. I can't help it though. I feel like I need to make the most of my days and nights by finding time for social contact/networking, even if it's this late at night.

I keep telling myself I'll find time to make up for all the lost sleep. We'll see how that pans out.

Bye Bye

Yesterday was goodbye.

I woke up around 9:30 and took a shower. I thought I was running late because my mom said she might get to school by 10, but that proved false.

The 2 hours in between me waking up and getting picked up proved to be better than I thought. Everyone seemed to be in denial about it being move-out day for quite a few of us. I was going to be the first to leave, Wendy would be next, then Becky. I told Wendy to just come to Orange County with me. Forget Maryland! Haha. But I understand how much she misses home. She seemed so happy to be going home, and I was equally happy for her.

When my mom finally got to SC and I had to say goodbye...well, that's when it got tough. I stood at Becky and Wendy's door, realizing I wouldn't be able to wander over there anymore when I'm bored or when I want a snack. Wendy approached to hug me and I was wiping tears away. "Oh, Melissaaaa!" That familiar screaming of my name made me cry even more. Wendy wouldn't be yelling my name in her distinct style anytime soon. As she hugged me, the tears just kept flowing. I somehow managed to compose myself, I have no idea how though. It wasn't too bad saying goodbye to Becky because I know I'll be seeing her. And I'll be living with her.

Monica and Michael accompanied me to my mom's truck downstairs. We loaded the last of my things and I thanked Michael for all his help. He gave me a hug and said he'd leave me alone with Monica to give a proper goodbye.

"It's been a really great year..." she started saying, but then we both just broke down. She kept talking through the tears. I told her I loved her and I think we hugged about 3 times. The first embrace I just cried on her shoulder. It shouldn't have been that bad, but it was. I'm going to see her Thursday for God's sake! But she'll be alone in our room until Saturday, so I understand the sadness. My half of the room will be desolate, she'll probably want to avoid being in there at all costs.

Oh, Monica.

I felt like I was leaving my sisters today. These girls have come to mean so much to me, and I didn't realize just how much I loved them until today. It's not a permanent goodbye, but it's still goodbye to this phase in our lives. I'll be seeing them all in the future, but we'll never be able to recreate the suite 607 vibe.

What I'll Miss

Monica Caballero
-They way we could talk about band that most others had trouble understanding
-Purple DRANK
-Rick James
-Your obsession and micro-analyzation
-Being able to confide in you
-Step out
-Randomly yelling

Rebeca Diaz
-Singing awesome 90s nostalgic music
-Cereal parties
-Drinking and sharing secrets with one another
-Carrying on an affair between you and Doris
-DANNY B!
-Whitney Houston dance
-Lip-syncing to Pokemon, something that would soon make us facebook video addicts
-Being able to confide in you
-The way you'd sympathize when I had a problem
-You're so beautiful...like a tree

Wendy Barrios
-Your unwavering spirit
-That smile that quickly lights up anyone and any place
-Essay hair
-Sewing machine
-We're floor mates, and soul mates

What If I'm Headed Down This Road

Me: I've gotta go.
Him: I don't like this exit.
Me: Well, you've obviously been drinking and I don't want to talk to you. So, call me tomorrow or something.

Sublime

I took my last final of freshman year today And it really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Yesterday I probably studied 30 minutes (or less). That kind of makes me regret not going home for mother's day, but oh wellz. I'll be seeing my mommy plenty for the next 3 months. The final was for my Comparative Literature class (aka World Lit). I've been doing well throughout the semester, but I have a feeling the professor is a very lenient grader.
I digress.
As I left the classroom, my professor handed me two of my papers and they were both A-pluses! =) So now that I'm sure I have a good grade in the class, I'm planning on asking the professor for a letter of recommendation. I need 3 letters in order to apply for my double major! I guess that's understandable since the major I want is part of the Cinema School.

I got back from class, checked my email, took a short nap, then went to lunch. I started packing and cleaning when I got back. The whole process riles up a mixture of emotion. I told my roommate, "I never thought I'd ever pack up all this stuff. It had just become so permanent."

In my mind I'd realize that I'd have a ton of stuff to pack when move-out time came, but I never thought move-out time would actually come. I was also afraid that I wouldn't have enough boxes and bags to put things in, but I have plenty. I've amounted possessions along with storage space throughout the year.

So here I have it. 9 months of my life, tucked into bags and boxes under my bed.

Object of Obsession

Rekindle

Coming to college made me regret not enjoying high school as much as I could have. But I think I've been making up for it lately by talking to old friends.

It's amazing how Facebook can keep friendships alive.

While some seem to be disappointed in how reliant society has become on social networking sites, I happen to see it as a very good thing in many aspects. Whether its Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, Instant Messaging or any sort of blogging site, we each have a chance to keep tabs on those we cherish, those we wish cherished us, or random people who you kinda sorta know from that one party or from that one week of school where you were really close. It can reach a certain creepy, stalking level, but most of the time its pretty tame.

So through the Facebook and instant messaging system, I'm able to know what's going on in my friends' lives without really directly speaking with them. And if something grabs my attention or makes me want to reach out to a person, I do my best to follow through.

Take my friend Teresa. Senior year in high school she was one of my closest friends, but only at school. We'd eat lunch together and sit in class together, but outside of school we only hung out a few times. I considered her one of my best friends, but not on an extremely deep level. Now that we're both off at college though (she's at Stanford), we've connected on a much deeper level.

And this is all despite being 400 miles apart.

Our experiences going from Santa Ana to private, elite institutions have brought us together. She's one of the few, few people who really understands where I'm coming from when I say that most of the students here are unknowingly greedy and superficial. It's a frustrating situation to be in, but at least I can IM her from time to time and have someone understand my college experience.

Kachow

Took my film final today. I don't think I did great, but I didn't do terribly either. I'm hoping for a B+. At least I only have one more final left!!!! =)

AND I bought Felipa and I Weenie Roast tickets!

My summer concert list:

5/16/09
Weenie Roast with Felipa
JIMMY EAT WORLD, Weezer, Kings of Leon, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Rancid, Airborne Toxic Event and others
@ Irvine Verizon Wireless

6/7/09
Independence Jam with Doris
Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Metric
@ Oceanside Pier Plaza

6/13/09
Reik with Diana
@ Pomona

7/19/09
Coldplay with...everybody
@ Irvine Verizon Wireless

7/31/09
No Doubt with Krystal, Janet, Aimee
@ Irvine Verizon Wireless

Textaholic

Is it really that obvious??
=(

Tweet tweet?

Now that more people are starting to create these public blogs, maybe I'll start posting more. I wish I had more time to do this kind of silly, unimportant writing.

Right now I'm swamped with:
1. Studying for film final, which is tomorrow at 2pm
2. Editing for my internship online
3. Figuring out how to start packing for move-out day =X

Fuuuun stuff.
Not really.

Gosh, the end is so close, but so far!! Monday at 10am, I will wander back to my dorm, and be in disbelief that my academic year is completely over. It won't hit me until I get back to Orange County. I'll be sitting around very bored, wishing Becky's room were just steps away from mine, where I could go and talk about nothing with her. I hope I'm not lonely. I hope we'll all actually follow through on our word to keep in touch. I have a feeling that won't happen though.

Pseudo-deep

It bothers me so much to hear people discussing 'the meaning of life' and the origins of being in general. I think my problem is just that I've become so skeptical and cynical about everything that I don't care to ponder what my purpose is anymore. I used to wonder all the time about why I'm here, why you're here, why I was chosen to be this person. Now I've just learned to accept that I am a person, my own person, and I'll never know why.

Philosophical debate is just a waste to me now.

When I hear people talking about philosophy and all that other malarky, I develop a secret disdain. I know it's awful, but sometimes I just feel like people are trying to sound smart and make themselves come off as something special. Well, they're not special to me.

But knowing that I'm a poor philosopher and a poor 'deep' thinker also solidifies my belief that I'm meant to be a journalist. I appreciate facts, evidence, and overall substance. The abstract only confuses and me makes me angry at its intangibility.

A while back when I still wanted to believe in some sort of meaning to all this, I wrestled with thoughts of God, religion, and the values the rest of my family possesses. But after all the awful things I've experienced, my will to believe is diminished.

And I'm okay with that.

However, anytime the idea of atheism is thrown around at home, I struggle to express why I feel this way. My dad thinks atheism is 'stupid', so I just give up on trying to engage him in any sort of religious discussion. He'll just shove is Jesus-worshiping ways at me. It's another big waste of time.

I just don't think religion is an essential part of life, and neither is pondering the meaning of every little thing. Just keep living day to day, take challenges gracefully, and enjoy the time we've got here together.

Pictures

My Grandma left me a message today. She said that my mom took my little brothers over to visit her. When they saw pictures of me on the fridge they started saying my name.

Indescribable.

All these things that I've done

This picture is from my trip last month to the Griffith Observatory with Rebeca and Monica. Rebeca's my suitemate (she'll be my roommate next year) and Monica is my current roommate. Griffith was completely breathtaking. I want to go back so badly. It's a great date setting too. =)

I'm officially on my way to trying to become a double major in Cinema/Television Critical Studies. So excited! Too bad it's like applying to college all over again. Since its the Cinema school though, I can understand why they make it so complicated. I need to write a personal statement, get THREE letters of rec (!), submit a sample essay and idk what else. The good news is I have until September 1st. And I'll keep taking the class that go with the major even if I'm not officially in the major. Monday I think I'll try and go to the school of arts and letters to see about a minor in Spanish.

I was so excited the other day! Thursday I got two midterms back (World Lit and Cinema) and I got A minuses on both of them! =)

Last night my roommate and I went to a free screening of "Observe and Report." It was funny in an extremely ridiculous way. That's how most of those movies are though anyway. Kinda like Role Models. But Role Models had more significance I suppose. The ending of Observe and Report was the best though. So unexpected! I recommend the movie if someone's in for some laughs. My favorite line was, "He thinks I wanna blow up Chick-fil-a! Why would I wanna blow up Chick-fil-a? It's fucking delicious!"

Today I went to a yard sale with my dearest Wendy Barrios. It was really empty though. I think we were the only customers they had... I bought this adorable red pea coat for only 5 bucks and a peach-colored dress that is too tight around my boobs. Oh well. I told my roommate I'd sell it to her for 3 dollars. Lol.

I went to Leavey Library and wrote most of my paper for World Lit. It's due on Wednesday. I figure I'll write the conclusion Tuesday and do some revision on it. I'm doing well in that class. I just hate that I'm doing so poorly in Geology. I don't know what I'll do about that class...

My dad drunk dialed me today around noon. I'm not sure if he was drunk or high or both. God I really hate him sometimes. Then other times he's the nicest person. When I was home for spring break I loved watching March Madness with him. But whenever he's drinking or doing other stupid shit, I can't stand it. I just have to leave. That's why I'm so scared about this summer... I won't be able to spend much time at my grandparents' if he's going to be like that. Plus, he's taken over my room so I might not have any real place to stay. I hate the couch at my mom's. And I think they have a rat. Fuck my life.

Anyone renting out a room? I will cook for shelter.

I was really missing my little brothers today. Whenever I miss them I go through the pictures on my phone. They cheer me up and make me sad at the same time. I flashed back to those sweet moments I've shared with them. I remembered laying on the couch and Jonathan giving me a big hug. And whenever I ask them for besitos they love to kiss my cheek. =) I well up just thinking about it.

Look at the stars. Look how they shine for you.

Sorry I've fallen behind on updating this.


As a student, I'm completely worried about next year... and the year after that... and the rest of my life.
I'm hoping my financial aid package is as good, maybe better, than last year's. There's no way my mom would be able to take out a loan, and I'm scared to take one out on my own too. But if it comes down to it, I'll take out the loan if it means saving my educational career. I don't think I'll win the scholarships I applied for this year. First semester I didn't have too great of a GPA.

I know I made the right choice in coming to USC, but I hate that I'll be so in debt once I graduate. I remember everyone telling us not to worry about the money aspect when we chose our college, but once you get to college, you realize that that's awful advice. Maybe don't worry about money at that moment in time, but you absolutely need to think about money in the long term. University life completely alters you; it changes the way you look at yourself and what will become of you.
I am now my own person.
I am an entity.
I am dead broke.

What can people really tell about me?
They don't always know I go to USC. And if they do know I go to USC, they assume I'm rich and that everything is being handed to me. I hate the labels that come with this school. When I go home I'm scared to tell people where I go to school, fearing the look they might give me. Unless they know my life story, I'm sure they assume the worst about me.

But oh how I love this place. It offers me so much of an escape. Everyday I ride my bike and I'm still in awe over the campus. The architecture is so beautiful, so classic. I wish I could live smack dab in the center of campus, just to admire the beautiful buildings. The smog isn't too great, and the construction is annoying, but overall I love this place. I've found good friends and good classes to keep me sane.

Forget about before

For anyone randomly keeping up with this, thanks. If you're interested, it turns out I won't be going to El Salvador over spring break. My mom waited one week too much to book the flights, and tickets had gone up over 200 dollars by that point. I really hope she still goes, even if she has to go alone, but she probably won't. It really upset me that she didn't want to go at all once tickets went up. She talked about going next year, or going to Mexico with Alex in December.
"I don't wanna go to Mexico," I told her.
"What?"
"I don't want to go to Mexico. "
"Oh."

I'm sure someday in the future I'll go to Mexico on a whim, but going to Mexico won't make up for the chance I would have had at reconnecting to my Salvadoran roots. She'll go to Mexico with him and my little brothers, they'll love it, and probably decide on moving there. This sounds farfetched, but he's got her wound pretty tightly around his fingers. He's tried to convince her to move to Mexico before, but she's refused. She told me she wouldn't want to leave me alone here. That's why I assume she's waiting until I graduate from college to move. I know she likes the idea of escaping down to Mexico, un lugar en donde el terreno ofrece tanto espacio, y la familia ofrece muchisimo amor. Que le puedo ofrecer yo a ella? Temo que se llevara a mis hermanitos de aqui para siempre, dejandome sola con mis abuelos, quienes les queda poco tiempo para vivir.

I really hate the idea of being alone. I know I have great friends to keep me grounded, but family is so essential. My grandparents have been the only true constants when it comes to family, I never had the mother-daughter or father-daughter bond that many of those around me experienced. My mom's choosing Alex over me and my dad's choosing alcohol over me. If only my little brothers were old enough to decide for themselves. Once they go to Mexico they won't know who I am.

Cultured

I went to Olvera Street today and realized one of the reasons that it's hard for me to connect to my culture is religion.

We strolled by so many stands with Hispanic knick-knacks, bags, bracelets and a bunch of other stuff. The problem is, most of the things I see have some form of the Virgin Mary or Jesus depicted on them. I have yet to accept religion into my life, but religion is such an essential part of my mother's culture. She's Catholic, though she no longer attends church. I think she's disappointed in me for never wanting to take confirmation classes or first communion, but all the letdowns in my life only led to my lack of belief.

Ultimately, I just want to find a way to connect to my Salvadoran culture in a deeper way, but not be pressured into religious practice.

Happiness is a warm oven

I think if I could choose one image to with which to represent myself with, it would be the following:
Me standing in my Grandparents' kitchen late at night (around 11pm) frosting some freshly baked and cooled cupcakes. I'd have a slight grin on my face too.

I found myself doing this exact thing and felt so complete. It was just me and 3 dozen cupcakes. My Grandma had gone to bed and my Grandpa was in his recliner reading the paper.

Night time baking has become so therapeutic for me. I love having the kitchen all to myself, and the sense of accomplishment when I pull those baked goods out of the oven. The smell is so inviting, even on a full stomach. But what makes me even happier is knowing that I'll be sharing these cupcakes with other people. I don't know how much delight they'll receive from it, but I hope they imagine someone tediously frosting and sprinkling that cupcake solely to bring them temporary happiness.

I don't know what it is about standing there, just focusing on that cupcake: smoothing out the folds of the frosting, precisely rounding the edges, and making sure the right amount of frosting is being used. If life were simple enough I would open up a bakery and do this all day.

When I buy a house, the kitchen will be the focal point. I'll need sufficient space to walk around in, contemplate, and a nice window to gaze out of. In the worst of times I tend to find myself in or near a kitchen, not necessarily eating, but standing there. I'm not any amazing chef or baker, I just find kitchens comforting. I like getting a glass of water and slowly sipping on it as I stare out into a neighboring yard with no clear thoughts in mind.

18??

People my age are doing crazy things.

On Tuesday night's episode of The Daily Show, Dev Patel was Jon Stewart's lovable guest. Patel is the adorable, big-eared kid who starred in Slumdog Millionaire.
At one point in the interview, Stewart asked Patel about how much his life had changed since the release of his film. Of course, Patel said "Absolutely!" and went on to say, "I'm only 18!" That got me thinking....
He's my age! His age not only gives me a better chance of marrying him, but it also tells me that at my age, some people are already reaching the peak point in their lives. Maybe this isn't Patel's peak, but he will undoubtedly reflect back on it as one of the best points in his life.
So what am I doing? Am I at one of my life's peaks? I love my college and all the experiences it provides me with but am I making the most out of it? I don't want to look back and regret anything. I like to think I'm enjoying it thoroughly and hopefully I'll continue getting involved in clubs, orgs., and other fun opportunities. However, school has yet to feel like a peak for me. Maybe junior or senior year I'll really start to feel it.

Also, there's another thing about my fellow 18 year-olds that perplexes me. People my age are getting married! I came across one of my former schoolmates on facebook who is already engaged. It weirded me out so much. I hate to say it but what are the chances of that marriage really lasting? People used to marry extremely young about two generations ago, but nowadays I think younger generations would rather take their time. A large portion of us are going to school, looking at the big picture and trying to decide what we want to do with ourselves. Obviously these people are often involved in romantic relationships, but marriage rarely seems to be a topic for discussion until the mid-twenties. The baby boom is over, no one's in a rush to settle down. The relevance of the idea of a biological clock ticking has dwindled. With that being said, I still completely believe in the idea of marriage. There's nothing I love more than knowing that two people found each other and know that they want to spend the rest of their entire lives together. It keeps me hopeful.



P.S. Dear President Obama, stop saying the Tom Daschle decision was your fault or your mistake. It's redundant and annoying and a total PR move.