This Christmas I feel really empty. All the days leading up to it have been so much fun. I've hung out with everyone I planned on seeing over break, though I'm definitely craving more time with these friends. But Christmas is just so blah. My Grandma can't cook the amazing meals she used to, and my mom ALWAYS works on Christmas Day. Double-time pay. At least I got to spend Christmas Eve with her. We were in the kitchen nearly all day, which is a rarity with her now. It's nice to feel like I have a mom for once. When it's just her and I, she takes time to ask about me, school, life. When my stepdad is around though, I keep my guard up. I feel like he judges every aspect of my life, and he has no right to! Yeah, so what, I like to stay out late. He should have realized by now that I can take care of myself. And if I need help, I'll call my mom. Not him.
Anyway.
Christmas.
What the eff.
My brothers aren't at the age where they can fully understand or appreciate holidays. They see presents and they just attack. And my paternal family never visits for the holidays, so my grandparents and dad just spend it at home. I wish we had some sort of holiday tradition.
I just wanna fast forward 5-10 years, when I'll hopefully have a life. I want a big group of people to crowd around a dinner table. I want camaraderie. While I've said that I don't want kids, maybe I'll have a change of heart. I feel like that's the only way to create stability and tradition. Being able to love someone enough and raise them in a stable environment is how I want to create a sense of home in my life. Right now I don't have a home. I'm unhappy wherever I go, unless I'm with my friends. I love being around my brothers, but I don't like having to act like their mother. And my grandparents are great, but they're insane. My grandma's a control freak and my grandpa has the world's shortest temper. And my dad is on another downward spiral. I'm the only person he has, but I'm a lousy person for him to have. I don't know how to help, and when I try something out, I just get pissed off and walk out.