Bahumbug

At this point I feel very alone.

I have no one to hang out with during the day except my little brothers. I mean, I love them more than life itself, but I can't have any real conversations with them. And when my mom's home, I can't even talk to her. I'm so jealous of my friends who seem to talk about everything with their moms. My mom never knows what goes on in my life. I've never asked her for guy advice. I've never told her when my heart was broken. I've never cried to her about anything. It's all superficial. We're both stubborn, that's why. She won't tell me when she's mad unless I ask, and I won't tell her when I'm mad unless she asks me.

I never thought I'd say this, but I envision myself talking more to my dad about my personal issues. Even after all the problems I've had with him, he seems to understand and sympathize with any issues I might have. He understands the problems I have with my grandparents, with money, and even with school. Our relationship is more open. Tomorrow I'll see him and probably talk to him about my broken heart.

When it comes to talking with friends, I've been very shut off for the past couple of weeks. The only tool I really have is my phone. I've sent out a lot of lengthy text messages. That's all I have. That, and this blog. But after a while it feels like I'm just pestering my friends, so I start this process of shutting myself off. This is when I start bottling things up. This is when I start internally imploding.