Forget about before

For anyone randomly keeping up with this, thanks. If you're interested, it turns out I won't be going to El Salvador over spring break. My mom waited one week too much to book the flights, and tickets had gone up over 200 dollars by that point. I really hope she still goes, even if she has to go alone, but she probably won't. It really upset me that she didn't want to go at all once tickets went up. She talked about going next year, or going to Mexico with Alex in December.
"I don't wanna go to Mexico," I told her.
"What?"
"I don't want to go to Mexico. "
"Oh."

I'm sure someday in the future I'll go to Mexico on a whim, but going to Mexico won't make up for the chance I would have had at reconnecting to my Salvadoran roots. She'll go to Mexico with him and my little brothers, they'll love it, and probably decide on moving there. This sounds farfetched, but he's got her wound pretty tightly around his fingers. He's tried to convince her to move to Mexico before, but she's refused. She told me she wouldn't want to leave me alone here. That's why I assume she's waiting until I graduate from college to move. I know she likes the idea of escaping down to Mexico, un lugar en donde el terreno ofrece tanto espacio, y la familia ofrece muchisimo amor. Que le puedo ofrecer yo a ella? Temo que se llevara a mis hermanitos de aqui para siempre, dejandome sola con mis abuelos, quienes les queda poco tiempo para vivir.

I really hate the idea of being alone. I know I have great friends to keep me grounded, but family is so essential. My grandparents have been the only true constants when it comes to family, I never had the mother-daughter or father-daughter bond that many of those around me experienced. My mom's choosing Alex over me and my dad's choosing alcohol over me. If only my little brothers were old enough to decide for themselves. Once they go to Mexico they won't know who I am.